Henry's Mum's Musings

Photoshopping and soldering

2012-02-02T09:42:00.001-08:00

I've talked a couple of times about the online class I am taking and I've shown a picture of what I had made so far.
Well, I've actually moved right along (at a snail's pace) and finally figured out how to solder bezels last week. And than I got stuck again. I knew I wanted at least one bezel to have a picture of Henry and I was dragging my feet hard, that just wasn't something I wanted to work on.
But, this morning I buckled down and opened PSE and played. It took me a while but I finally found how to add special effects to photos (and I'll be lucky if I'll ever find that again, I'm not a whiz when it comes to computers and/or software) and I played with a few photos. I'm quite pleased with the results and will, hopefully, use one of them in a bezel.

I'm leaning towards the last one - with the light effect - rather than the vintage effect photos.

Fiction and suicide barriers

2012-01-27T10:36:00.000-08:00

I like reading (murder) mysteries, not the gory, violent, scary ones, but the somewhat more subdued ones. Although, just about anything dealing with murder is kind of violent.
Anyway, I'm reading V is for Vengeance by Sue Grafton and one of the victims is found dead under the Cold Spring Bridge near Santa Barbara. It's meant to look like a suicide because quite a few people have jumped from that bridge to their deaths, but it is actually a murder.
I'm familiar with that particular bridge. There's a group wanting a barrier on that bridge and they have been in touch with our group, the Bridge Rail Foundation.
What I found especially interesting is a paragraph on page 216 of this novel (it's supposed to be a newspaper article): "Vance is the eighteenth Santa Teresa County resident to plunge to her death. Caltrans representative Wilson Carter called the loss of lives resulting from individuals jumping from the 400-foot-high bridge a "regrettable and entirely preventable tragedy." Statistical studies show that barriers erected on comparable structures contribute significantly to the reduction of suicide attempts. Carter further stated, "The long-term emotional and financial toll as a direct result of suicide offers a compelling argument for the construction of such a barrier, which has long been under discussion by state and county officials."
I've done some googling and can't find a Wilson Carter or this particular quote, but it's not that different from quotes about other structures needing a suicide barrier.
Oh, and the novel is set in 1988, so this particular discussion has been going on for a while there, too.

Dealing with loss

2012-01-18T12:18:00.001-08:00

No, this isn't a post with advice on dealing with loss, rather, it's a "I don't quite know how to deal with this" post.
It's been almost 5 years since Henry left us and I'm doing just fine most days. It's the "special" days that are still a problem. We deal with Christmas by going away, that works. Thanksgiving gets pretty much ignored. But what about birthdays and the anniversary of his death?
I have a good friend who sends special gifts for the special days to make sweet memories and I am incredibly touched by her thoughtfulness.
Three years ago - or was it 4 years ago? - I came up with the idea of asking friends to have pizza in Henry's memory. It was his favorite food and we visit his favorite pizza place on occasion. Last year, K was visiting, so we invited friends and relatives to join us and there were 7 of us. It was quite nice. A nice distraction. Yesterday, there were 4 of us and it was fine. But, and I don't know if it's the still lingering cold or what, I don't feel so good today.
Yes, there are good memories to hold onto but there are still all those questions: why, what led up to it, why didn't I see it coming?
And then I ask myself: Am I dealing with this the right way? Shouldn't it maybe be time to just let go? I know I've moved on. But is it maybe time to put this behind me? I just don't know.
I've heard from a friend about another mother who lost her only child in an accident. She shuts herself in her house and spends her daughter's birthday remembering. No phone, no visitors, just herself and her memories. I can't do that and I don't want to do that. I know that isn't right for me.
Another friend organized a card tournament as a fund raiser in her brother's memory. The money raised goes towards a scholarship.
Still others have masses said on their child's special days. We did that for a while, until we didn't need them any longer.
I know this feeling will pass, but there's still the anniversary of Henry's death coming up and we will be visiting the bridge again - with flowers. Since it'll be the fifth anniversary, I am wondering if I should do anything else. But, if so, what? And, really, shouldn't I maybe just move on and treat all these days as if they were nothing out of the ordinary?
I just don't know.

Bittersweet

2012-01-17T09:28:00.001-08:00

Today is such a bittersweet day - sweet because of the nice memories - bitter for the obvious reason: Henry is gone. Today would have been his 23rd birthday and, as we've done for a few years now, we're having Pizza Night in his memory. We'll get together with a few friends at what used to be his favorite pizza place and there will be quite a few more people eating pizza where they live or happen to be tonight.
I remember the day he was born so well. It was bitter cold, just like it is here today. Of course, Oklahoma cold is different from California cold. It warms up quite a bit here, there, it stayed cold for ages. During the time we were in the hospital, Henry was the only boy and the heaviest baby in the nursery. He was such a good baby, quite calm and unfussy. And he calmed down immediately when held. Didn't like car rides which was so different from Kate.
The picture above brings back memories, too. It was taken in the late summer of 1995, during the break between kindergarten and first grade. Henry had been taking karate (soo bahk do) for about a year at a studio that was very much geared towards teaching children. This was his first tournament and it was set up in such a way that each child earned a trophy of some kind. He didn't do quite as well in forms (he got so much better as time went on, going from soft and mushy movements to totally crisp and sharp) but won first place in sparring. There had to be contact of some kind and Henry kicked the little girl he was sparring with in the stomach. Not hard, just enough to earn him a point (and it wasn't mean or malicious, just part of the routine). The trophy was slightly taller than he was and he was so proud of it (wanted us to install a security system in the house so nobody would steal it :-)).
My father, who had been coaching a local wrestling team for many years, had died just weeks before in July 1995 and so I was a little weepy when Henry won. I think my father would have been proud of him.
It's "funny" - I can still hear Henry's voice and when I close my eyes I still imagine him coming in through the front door after school. It's been almost 5 years now and I still miss him and I still have questions.
Happy Birthday, Henry! ♥

Facebook and suicide

2011-12-13T12:18:00.000-08:00

I'm not always a big fan of Facebook (even though I've been on there for over 4 years now) but I like this:

https://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/notes/facebook-safety/new-partnership-between-facebook-and-the-national-suicide-prevention-lifeline/310287485658707

Apparently, it'll now be possible to report it if somebody makes a suicidal comment. That person should then receive an email from Facebook with info on who to contact - either to call a helpline or to talk online with a crisis worker.

Let's hope it works.

High IQ and drug use

2011-11-17T20:58:00.000-08:00

L sent me a link to this article a day ago or so. Both of us still read quite a bit about drugs, still trying to understand and lots of these articles add another little piece to the puzzle:

http://blogs.wsj.com/ideas-market/2011/11/16/high-iq-in-childhood-correlates-with-adult-drug-use/

International Survivors of Suicide Day

2011-11-17T14:51:00.000-08:00

Saturday is International Survivors of Suicide Day. I am posting this early in case somebody wants to attend the conferences mentioned at the end.

I am a survivor of suicide. No, that does not mean I tried to take my life and didn't succeed; it means I lost a loved one to suicide, my son Henry.

All of us who have lost a loved one - no matter how - experience a lot of the same emotions: sadness; grief; loss; despair and anger, yes, anger.

For survivors of suicide there are a couple of extra emotions, though: shame and guilt. After talking to a few people just recently who lost as loved one as well, I have come to realize that maybe people aren't necessarily judging you or your loved one after a suicide; they just simply don't know what to say (a simple "I am so sorry for your loss" is sufficient), so maybe the shame is unnecessary.

The guilt, though, remains, even to this day - more than 4 years later. I don't kick myself quite so hard any longer, but I still ask the "what did I miss?," "what if" and "if only" questions. Why didn't I understand what was going on? I saw something was wrong, but I didn't know what it was.

One more thing that is different for survivors is the need to know, and I believe that's the same for anybody who has lost a loved one unexpectedly, violently. For me, it was an important part of the healing process, trying to find out as much as I could about what had gone on in Henry's life, what he had been doing, who he had hung with. Unfortunately (and most likely understandably), most of the people he spent his time with towards the end were reluctant if not downright unwilling to talk to me or answer my questions. That means there are still holes I would like to have filled. But I realize that I may never get answers to those and, as times goes by, it gets easier to live with those unanswered questions.

I assume all of those questions will always be there along with the feeling of loss and that big hole in my life.

As always, the AFPS has information on conferences, both online and in various locations around the world and helpful info for survivors.

http://www.afsp.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=home.viewPage&page_id=FEE7D778-CF08-CB44-DA1285B6BBCF366E

More on the funeral

2011-10-29T10:20:00.000-07:00

http://napavalleyregister.com/news/local/large-crowd-of-mourners-says-farewell-to-vintage-student/article_b31c9596-01e3-11e1-9ccf-001cc4c002e0.html

I was right in my assessment: a huge crowd, lots of Vintage students and lots and lots of white Tshirts.
Thankfully, there's a recap of the sermon because my Spanish just isn't up to it.
Still no news on who did this, but there's been yet another hit-and-run yesterday afternoon:
http://napa.patch.com/articles/child-airlifted-to-hospital-after-hwy-29-crash
I find that trend disturbing, very disturbing.

Today I went to a funeral

2011-10-28T15:13:00.000-07:00

And I didn't even know the young man who had died nor do I know his family. Why did I go then? To show support for somebody who lost a child - unexpectedly, much too young, violently.
Ever since I read about the hit-and-run accident in which Ramon Ramirez was injured, I have been angry, sad and upset. Story here: http://napavalleyregister.com/news/local/student-declared-brain-dead-organs-to-be-donated/article_802029d2-fea0-11e0-b012-001cc4c002e0.html
As of today, the driver of the vehicle has not been found, the reward has been doubled to $2,000.
The thinking in my house is that it's either a drunk driver (in which case the car will eventually be found and so will the driver) or an illegal alien (in which case all bets are off).
I can't comment on the service itself - it was almost entirely in Spanish (which is the only reason I didn't end up crying my way through every Kleenex in my purse) and 2 years of Spanish simply aren't enough to understand much at all.
What did impress me was the number of people in attendance: easily close to a 1,000 with every bench full and plenty of people standing in back, the majority teenagers. There were lots and lots of white Tshirts (dress code was very casual, I was overdressed in mostly black) many, many of them with Ramon's senior picture on the front and either "Ramon 36" or "Monchiz 36" or "Ramon forever" on the back.
I was very touched to see this kind of support.
I hope Ramon's family will find peace in time and I very much hope there will be justice done eventually.

Good-bye old red Jeep

2011-09-09T09:21:00.001-07:00

Another milestone - it's finally time to say good-bye to the old red Jeep. The first car I ever chose for myself - and then had to battle with L over driving it. Because it was cooler than the one he had :-)

We bought it in 1993 and just weeks later I had a near miss while driving on thick ice - back in Oklahoma. I slid through an intersection right between two cars; one was going N, the other S, I was headed W. Whew! That was scary.

This is the car that took us on vacations in New Mexico and Arizona and Utah and Colorado year after year until the kids complained. Couldn't we go somewhere else for a change? We went into Canyon de Chelly in the spring one year when the ice and snow had thawed but the water was still running deep - and promptly got water into the car, through the air vents. There probably still is a bit of reservation dirt in the carpet and floor mats.

This is the car that we drove from Oklahoma to California with two dogs in the very back and one child and lots of suitcases on the backseat. It took several days, we had to stop in certain cities because that's where we had reservations for us and the dogs at specific kennels - all very well planned in advance.

This is the car that drove kids to school, to band practice, to daycare, to karate.

This is the car that went through 3 radiators in one year, one came pre-damaged from the factory, the next one - well, who knows, mystery damage? We didn't have to pay for that one. The third one finally took and it's still in there.

After 13 years of driving it, it was time for a new car. On the mechanic's recommendation, we hung on to it and waited for Henry to get his license in the summer of 2006. He drove it for almost a year.

And this is the car that took him to the Golden Gate Bridge.

It's been sitting in the driveway since. We tried, half-heartedly, selling it a time or two. It didn't work and we obviously weren't ready.

Now it's time. Today we are donating it to Mission Solano.

It's time - finally - and it's a good thing. Still, I'll miss seeing the car in the driveway every day. And in my mind I can still hear the roar of the muffler (it has a "guy" muffler and a "guy" horn) when Henry drove off to school.

World Suicide Prevention Day

2011-09-08T07:53:00.000-07:00

It's not until Saturday, but I sent in my annual letter to the editor early and it's in today's paper. I wasn't sure they'd print it. I had written a rather angry and fierce letter earlier this year and it was not printed. But here it is:

http://napavalleyregister.com/news/opinion/mailbag/a-permanent-solution-to-a-temporary-problem/article_e2e54508-d9b5-11e0-8f56-001cc4c002e0.html

And, no, I won't be reading the comments. I just don't have a thick enough skin.

Grants for suicide prevention

2011-09-01T11:26:00.000-07:00

http://www.newswise.com/articles/suicide-prevention-funds-awarded-to-states-and-tribes#.Tl_MQ3YL92A.facebook

This article talks about grants provided to states and tribes for youth suicide prevention. It's a good thing and I am not at all surprised that quite a lot of the funds go to Native American Tribes. Suicide is a disproportionally larger problem there than in the general population.

Accident in Jamieson Canyon

2011-09-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

http://napavalleyregister.com/news/local/monday-s-traffic-death-on-jamieson-canyon-ruled-suicide/article_0d50da84-d41e-11e0-ad69-001cc4c002e0.html

The accident referred to happened on a road I use on occasion. It's two lanes, no center divider and there have been far too many accidents. Originally, this was considered to have been caused by a blown tire on the big rig, then it was determined that the car veered over the center line. Now it's considered a suicide. How sad, especially since it involved so many other people (and I don't mean the ones inconvenienced by the traffic mess). In particular, the driver of the big rig who must be feeling horrible, it wasn't his fault. And how about all those other people whose cars were hit? Suicide is always terribly painful for the ones left behind and in this case the people affected and hurt weren't even related or known the the person who took his life.

An Increase in Suicides on the Golden Gate Bridge

2011-08-26T08:14:00.000-07:00

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/08/26/us/26bcjames.html?_r=1&pagewanted=all%3Fsrc%3Dtp&smid=fb-share

In case the title doesn't work as a link, the above link should and my title says it all. It may be the economy which means the money for constructing the barrier is needed more than ever.

Mean people suck revisited

2011-08-01T15:39:00.000-07:00

A couple of weeks ago, 3 people who had stepped over a barrier at one of the waterfalls in Yosemite fell to their deaths. It's been in the media quite a bit, obviously.
Shortly afterward, my husband mentioned hearing it discussed on call-in radio shows. He listens to quite a lot of those on the way to and from work (long commute) and noticed that there were a lot of ugly comments of the kind left in the San Francisco Chronicle when the suicide barrier was being discussed.
What he found very interesting was the person calling in who said he had mentioned this story on his blog and, because commenters have to leave their full name, found that the comments were nowhere near as nasty as those in other places.
I think it's the same old anonymity bringing out the worst in people.
Here's the link to the article I posted back then:
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1821646,00.html
Still applies, obviously.

Suicide on the increase among middle-aged women

2011-07-27T20:55:00.000-07:00

http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/43714272/ns/today-today_health/

An interesting article that came to me via the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. It talks about the increase in the rate of suicides and suicide attempts among women over 50. There's no consensus on what exactly is causing this, but there several possibilities are mentioned.
The one I find quite interesting (in a disturbing way) is the one mentioned towards the end saying that women of that age become more aware of their mortality and think it's too late for happiness. I find that very sad.

Sad, but true

2011-06-13T15:01:00.001-07:00

Not trying for a record number of posts today, but a friend posted a link to this on FB:

http://blogs.psychcentral.com/humor/2011/04/the-elusive-golden-gate-bridges-suicide-barrier/

Hands across the bridge

2011-06-13T14:37:00.001-07:00

This happened yesterday. No, I wasn't there for a variety of reasons. Wish I could have been.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ugJWxOpd5NA

Another article

2011-05-27T12:34:00.001-07:00

A friend of mine on facebook posted a link to an article in Time Magazine from 1970. Of course, it's about the bridge and suicides. Interestingly enough it mentions both Richard Seiden and Edwin Shneidman.
http://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,902667-1,00.html

Another life lost

2011-05-27T12:20:00.000-07:00

This (http://thecomingcrisis.blogspot.com/2011/05/allison-bayliss-still-missing-as-fear.html)
has been all over the (mostly local) news and facebook over the past week. Another life lost needlessly, another teenager who had to look up directions on how to get to that bridge. And again, no body found as happens so very often.
When she first went missing, there was hope that she had gone off somewhere and would be found. Eventually, her bike was found near the bridge and the search efforts turned into a recovery effort.
So said and so unnecessary.
A few more links, there was quite a bit of media attention - not quite so much now.
http://www.danvilleexpress.com/news/show_story.php?id=5700
http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2011/05/24/BA441JK7DI.DTL
http://blogs.sfweekly.com/thesnitch/2011/05/allison_bayliss.php

A little lost

2011-05-17T15:20:00.000-07:00

The last week has been stressful, I'm still trying to figure out exactly why that is.
We handed out the first set of scholarships last Wednesday and I enjoyed it quite a bit. I'm getting used to giving a short speech and having my picture taken.
Unfortunately, the next morning I woke up with something pulled in my neck. That has happened before and I've always toughed it out. So I thought, I'd just do that again. It was worse on Friday so I went off to see my new doctor. He asked all the right questions and one very wrong one (did I get drunk the night before this happened? No, of course not. I don't drink alcohol.). Still trying to figure out if he was serious or not. Anyway, he prescribed an ointment and muscle relaxants. The pills made me so loopy and tired that I'm missing the whole weekend and didn't help a bit with the stiffness and pain. Neither did the ointment. Back to toughing it out.
Yesterday was the awards ceremony at the high school we added this year. Unlike the other schools, there is no set program. You need to stand in line at 3 pm to pick up a number. I got there before 3 and still was only No. 28. Back to school before 6 pm to be seated on the stage for a good hour before it was our turn. Speech went well, the kids picked seem great, but I was worn out. Oh, it is raining again which didn't help with things.
I was just getting ready to go to bed when Larry called me over to show me an article he had found online: http://hubpages.com/hub/The-Bridge-Suicide-on-the-Golden-Gate-Bridge. I made the mistake of reading it all and was pretty disturbed. There's no way to tell who the writer is and while all the stuff included in the article is out there somewhere, I simply couldn't figure out where he got all the "intimate" details about Henry. Not until this morning did I realize it's all straight from the article Tia O'Brien wrote for which she interviewed us a few years ago. While I like that this issue is being brought to the foreground yet again (there's still no money coming in for a barrier), I had managed to successfully push the whole article far back into my mind and really liked having it there. It feels a bit as if my privacy has been invaded. Yes, we talked to Tia willingly and appreciated what she did, but having Henry and our lives dissected like that was really difficult and being reminded of it all was no less easy.
I am so torn on so many levels. On the one hand I want my quiet little life back, nevermind that it's a tad boring; on the other hand I want to do what I can to help not only with the suicide barrier but also making people aware of suicide. It's not easy and I have a feeling it'll be something I'll struggle with for quite a long time to come.

Suicide

2011-05-07T15:02:00.001-07:00

There never was a time (once I was old enough to understand) that I was not aware of suicide. My father was a homicide detective who spent more time cutting people out of trees than investigating murders. And he talked about it, in a rather dispassionate way. I guess you'd have to in that profession.

The first time it hit close to home was when a former teacher and his lover took their lives in a rather dramatic way. I was 16 at the time. Next, at 29, came a former classmate. That one hurt, the circumstances were sad, very sad.

Still, suicides were something that happened to other people only. And they just happened, there wasn't anything anyone could do to prevent them - or so we thought at the time.

And then Henry decided one day he didn't want to live anymore. Now, this one hurt badly, worse than anything else I've ever experienced.

One way to deal with my grief was to start reading, to educate myself and I came to realize that there are far too many misconceptions about suicide. And that far too many people mistake their opinions for facts.

Yes, suicides can be prevented. Mental illness is treatable. Suicide more often than not is an impulsive act and if the easy means are taken away, the attempter often doesn't look for another way. Case in point is the Richard Seiden study conducted in the 1970s. He and his researchers identified 515 people who were prevented from jumping from the Golden Gate Bridge and followed their lives. Of these 515, only 6% went on to complete suicide and only 6 people went back to the bridge. There's the British natural gas story - once Britain switched from coal gas to natural gas, suicides went down by a third. People didn't look for another way once they couldn't stick their heads into the oven. (http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/06/magazine/06suicide-t.html?_r=1&ex=1216094400&en=83bf55db43f6ac85&ei=5070&emc=eta1)

And, it's not called "committing" suicide. Crimes are committed, suicide isn't a crime. Suicides are attempted and/or completed.

Far too often I come across the opinion, "If they want to die, just let them." Feeling suicidal isn't a fatal disease, suicide is not the same as euthanasia. It is not an informed decision, but rather a decision made when the attempter is in a state of distress, mental agony, psychache. Edwin Shneidman, the father of suicidology, addresses that very well in his book "The Suicidal Mind." Talking to somebody who has decided life isn't worth living anymore works, pointing out to them that there are reasons to go on and try again works. Explaining that being pregnant, having lost a job, getting divorced, losing a boyfriend/girlfriend, not being accepted by your first choice of universities are not reasons to end one's life.

No, these people are not the scum of the earth and they do not deserve to take themselves out of the gene pool. That sort of thing is stupid, hateful and obviously expressed by somebody totally insensitive, immature and uncaring.

Suicide also isn't a sin (any longer). It used to be, but I'd like to think we are just that little bit more enlightened and compassionate. My son had a funeral mass, there never was any question about it.

There are plenty more facts I learned once I started reading and I may or may not address those in time, but, for now, I'm done.

Tomorrow is the fourth anniversary of Henry's death and, as always (until there is a barrier on the Golden Gate Bridge), we will be retracing his steps.

Now on youTube

2011-05-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

I took a deep breath and uploaded all my videos to youTube. I wasn't brave enough to allow comments or voting, though. Maybe next year?
And youTube doesn't allow the soundtrack for the second one, the one about Henry's last journey. Oh well, it's here, music and all.

http://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=henrysmum89&aq=f

A real tour de force

2011-05-01T17:29:00.000-07:00

Here is the last (or second) slide show/video in the trilogy. The idea for it (the trilogy) came to me shortly after I finished my digital camera class last fall and learned to make slide shows. I had all those pictures of the Golden Gate Bridge taken over the last 4 years and it seemed a shame not to do something with them. The idea for this and the other two videos rattled around in my head for months. There was a trip to the bridge to take additional pictures (for the previous video), but I was very reluctant to get started on all this.
With the fourth anniversary coming up next Sunday, I set myself a deadline: finish all this and a blog that's invitation only (The Diary of a Suicide). That one isn't quite done yet, but what remains is just editing.
So, once that is done, I am done. No more serious videos. I will still continue with suicide awareness, of course. And who knows what else will happen.
There have been so many changes in the last 4 years. I even got a tattoo for Henry (he'd hate it as he would all the rest of it). But - you gotta do what you gotta do.

Part 3 in the trilogy

2011-05-01T11:30:00.000-07:00

As I said in the previous post, I have had ideas for more videos/slide shows to make relating to Henry. This one was really meant to be the third one in the series, but once I started uploading photos, I realized that this was the way to go.
Word of warning, though, it's not fun or amusing or entertaining. It's a series of shots, set to music, of Henry's last journey, the steps he took from the parking lot onto the bridge.
Not easy, but definitely something I HAD to do.

Remembering Henry

2011-04-28T18:05:00.000-07:00

The fourth anniversary of Henry's death is coming up next week Sunday - on Mother's Day of all days. I've been meaning to make a slide show of some of the photos I have of him and finally buckled down today and did it. It took me hours and I'm sure I lost quite a few days of my life to this, but it's finally done.
I have ideas (and pictures) for two more videos and I'll try to get to them over the next week. I've even had certain songs in mind all along, but, listening to one of them last weekend, I realized that Janis Joplin maybe isn't quite right after all.

Hmmmmmm

2011-04-27T07:42:00.001-07:00

This is soooo San Francisco:

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=news%2Flocal%2Fsan_francisco&id=8094583#&cmp=fb-kgo-article-8094583

This just kind of leaves me speechless

2011-04-20T07:34:00.000-07:00

This was in the Marin Independent Journal yesterday, 2 days after yet another person jumped (and, luckily, survived) a jump from the bridge.

Here's a quote from that article:
"Any time we can make safety improvements we will look closely at making changes," said Mary Currie, bridge district spokeswoman.

Any guesses what it's about? No, not a suicide barrier .......

http://www.marinij.com/marinnews/ci_17885207

Follow-up on yesterday's link

2011-04-19T15:16:00.001-07:00

http://www.marinij.com/marinnews/ci_17872258

According to various news outlets, this was a suicide attempt. The girl was walking on the bridge with her parents and sister and handed the sister a suicide note before she jumped.
Details in the article.

Another jumper survives

2011-04-18T10:17:00.001-07:00

http://www.sfexaminer.com/news/2011/04/fd-girl-survives-fall-golden-gate-bridge

This is just one of dozens of links to news outlets I found this morning while searching for "16-year-old girl survives fall from Golden Gate Bridge." The third link was to my local newspaper.
Since this is the second time in two months there has been wide-spread reporting of people jumping and surviving, I thought it was finally time to write to my local editor yet again.
It bothers me greatly that there are reports when somebody survives but hardly any when somebody dies. Hence my letter. Who's to say this won't inspire copycats?
Let's see if he'll print it. This is a new editor, the old one (sort of) knew me.

Yesterday

2011-04-07T09:33:00.001-07:00

No, don't cue the Beatles song. It's not that sort of post.
I thought I was finally ready to read Henry's emergency room report. So, I dug out the envelope yesterday and opened it and pulled out the thick wad of papers all the while dreading what might be there.
I didn't get far, leafed through it, got hung up on word I didn't know, found the bit about "blunt force trauma to the left side" and decided to abandon the whole thing.
Obviously, in order to really understand everything, I'd need the help of somebody either in the medical profession or very familiar with medical jargon. That part wouldn't be a problem. What will be a problem is the lack of a thick skin. Wish one could grow those.

Follow-up on the kid who jumped

2011-03-12T07:44:00.000-08:00

It's all in here:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=%2Fn%2Fa%2F2011%2F03%2F10%2Fstate%2Fn191310S76.DTL#ixzz1GM7OGHua

Silence and denial?

2011-03-11T15:24:00.001-08:00

I'm sure by now lots of us have heard/read about the kid who jumped from the bridge yesterday and survived. I'm glad he's okay, I'm glad there was news coverage about it. What disturbs me about it is two-fold: the fact that he survived just might inspire others to try, "Hey, if he survived, why can't I?" And second: why is there so much coverage when somebody survives and little or no coverage when somebody dies? Yes, the ABC online story mentioned the fact that at least 1,500 people have died in the past and that there are 20-40 confirmed suicides a year, meaning 1 person every 10-14 days. But there is little coverage otherwise.

When Henry died, the editor of the local paper called the principal of his high school who told him that we did not want anything about Henry's death printed. He wasn't speaking for us (although, at that time, we did not want to go public), I think he was only thinking about covering the school's backside. The editor told him that the paper's policy was/is to print the story if it appeared in the San Francisco Chronicle. So, I checked the Chronicle for days - nothing. These suicides are not mentioned in the Chronicle when they happen. I guess the thinking here is: if we don't talk about it, it didn't happen and we don't have to do anything about it. I'm sure the GG Bridge Authority likes it that way.

DH overheard 2 people talking in a bookstore this morning. The topic was the kid who jumped and one of the people (a woman) was very upset, "I had no idea there were so many suicides on that bridge. I've never heard about it. I didn't realize people fly here from all over the world to jump."

I guess the campaign of silence and denial is working very nicely.

Jumper saved by surfer

2011-03-10T17:49:00.000-08:00

My husband called me on his way home from work to tell me about a news story he had just heard: a student from Windsor, CA, was on a field trip with his class when he jumped from the Golden Gate Bridge this morning. A nearby surfer paddled over and pulled him out and he was alive.
I couldn't find a link in any of the online news sources at the time, only on a surfer forum (second link), since then, they have added a link to the local CBS station. Both stories are essentially the same. Apparently, the kid was not suicidal but jumped on a dare. He is being evaluated in one of the local hospitals and has a broken tailbone and torn lung. That last bit concerns me because I know that the lung damage is what is so serious. I do very much hope this kid will be okay.
If it really turns out to have been a dare, I really, really hope the person(s) responsible will be dealt with severely. That's just going way too far.
And, of course, the comments in the surfer forum are the usual dumb*** ones we saw when the barrier was first being discussed.
It really, really is time to install that net. How many more people have to die before it becomes a reality?

http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2011/03/10/teen-survives-plunge-off-golden-gate-bridge/
http://forum.surfermag.com/forum/showflat.php?Cat=0&Number=2003039&an=0&page=0

Another petition

2011-03-09T12:51:00.000-08:00

There's yet another petition to be signed. This one is going to be submitted to Congress which is getting ready to re-authorize the National Transportation Bill. The petition (and all its signers) ask Congress to add an amendment that would allow state and local districts to ask for federal money to add physical barriers to bridges. This is not just about the Golden Gate Bridge, there are plenty of other suicide bridges in this country.

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/5/federal-funding-4-suicide-barriers/

I recognize many of the signatures on this petition (I've been busy on Facebook and with email) and so have many of the other people who have lost a loved one to a suicide on the GGB. Your help in this will be greatly appreciated.

Wear Orange Day

2011-03-01T12:46:00.001-08:00

Today is National Self-Injury Awareness Day and I'm letting somebody else explain what it's all about:

http://confusinglife.tripod.com/id23.html

I have been aware of "cutters" for quite a while, I even know/knew somebody who did it, but I never paid terribly much attention to it until I learned that self-injury can be a warning sign for suicide. But self-injury rarely is the same as a suicide attempt.

The site I linked to gives information on why, how and what to do about it.

New post

2011-02-28T16:09:00.000-08:00

There actually is a post - full of pictures - on the new blog.
http://henrysmumsotherblog.blogspot.com/

New blog

2011-02-20T12:19:00.000-08:00

The time has come to split this blog into two (three actually, but that’s a story for another post). For some time now, the posts about suicide awareness and related subjects seem to have taken over and there hasn’t been anything crafty here (and there’s no guarantee that there will be on the other blog anytime soon).

I am not terribly interested in increasing my readership, I do this for myself. I am extremely grateful for the friends who have been there for me all along and I hope they will stay in my life. Unlike so many other bloggers who write to promote a shop of one kind or another or themselves, I write when I feel like it (and that hasn’t been often lately). I was going to go off on a tangent here, but thought it would be more diplomatic to just quit here.

So, from now on, Henry’s Mom’s Musings will stay and will be mainly for suicide awareness and related posts while henry’s mum’s other blog (yes, I know, totally imaginative) will be more fun and light-hearted. As much as I do that sort of thing. As all blogs are, they both are works in progress and we’ll just have to see where it all leads.

Bullying and social climbing

2011-02-09T11:15:00.000-08:00

I heard about this on the (local) news this morning, a study done at UC Davis that suggests that it's not the people at the bottom of the social ladder, the disturbed and troubled kids, but the ones busily climbing the social ladder doing the bullying. Who would have thought? And these days, it's less physical and more verbal and, thanks to the internet, anonymous.

The link at the top should work, but just in case it doesn't, here it is again:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=%2Fc%2Fa%2F2011%2F02%2F08%2FBA5V1HKBD5.DTL

Goodbye Ms Maggie

2011-01-07T11:07:00.001-08:00

Today, we had to make the very hard decision to let go of our oldest dog. Maggie aka Devil Dog, Ms Destructo, came into our lives a few weeks after our first dog, Waldi, a beagle who lived to be 17, passed away of old age. We missed him so much that we adopted Maggie. She was hell on wheels. When she wasn't climbing 6 ft fences to visit neighbors, she would dig under them to escape. She dug up all the gopher tunnels on one side of the yard making it extremely dangerous to walk there. She was the one who taught Henry how to climb trees just so he could get away from her. All his Tshirt had holes along the bottom of the hem.
I met dog catchers in 2 states thanks to her adventurous spirit.
She was so tough (to live with) that I actually considered giving her back. Instead we adopted Charlie who did his best to put her in her place. There were fights, over food, over toys, just for the heck of it. She was tough and it took years for her to mellow out. Even though she was part lab, she did not like water. The above picture shows one of the few times she ventured into the water (and I doubt it was entirely willingly). The inflatable boat was another story. She happily spent time in there drifting around the pool.

She mellowed out a bit in recent years. After always loving food and being able to eat as much as she wanted without gaining an ounce (something most women would love to be able to do), she lost interest in recent months. No matter what I gave her or how much I coaxed, she just didn't care.
So, we took her to the vet this morning to discuss our options. There really weren't any.
We stayed with her to the very end, held her and talked to her and asked her to say "hi" to Henry for us. They'll be together again now.
We'll miss you, Maggie.

32 jumped in 2010

2011-01-05T14:41:00.000-08:00

This was on TV last night:

http://www.ktvu.com/news/26372371/detail.html

No explanation necessary, the write-up and the video say it all.

Hacked and snubbed

2010-12-10T16:24:00.000-08:00

First I'd like to apologize for not posting much these days. There really doesn't seem to be anything to write about at this time. Let's see how that goes in the future, shall we?
I'm sure we've all heard about those Chinese hackers. Would you believe they hacked into my gmail account? I couldn't imagine why they'd want to read my oh-so-exciting emails but they apparently did. Google keeps warning me that my account has been hacked with a bright red pop-up. I've already done everything recommended and there was just the one incident and I think it's probably related to my eBay shopping history. I've been buying quite a few things from China in the last couple of months. Hmmmmm ...........
The snubbing is something that occurred at the end of the last school year and I won't go into details in public (I'd be happy to explain in an email, though). The result of it is that we have decided not to hand out our scholarship at Henry's high school any longer. We're moving it to the public high schools in Napa from now on. I feel good about this decision but it took a lot of discussion and doubt and second guessing to finally arrive at this point.

Dear Henry

2010-11-08T15:31:00.001-08:00

Dear Henry,

It's been three and a half years today, and it was almost exactly at this time that you died. I still remember it all much too well, that waiting room at San Francisco General, the young doctors and all the other details. The worst day of our lives without doubt.

You're still in my thoughts every day, thankfully not as the first thought of the day, but throughout the day. Good memories and not so good ones. I have your picture right in front of me at the computer, the serious one.

You've missed so much, it's been such a busy year. Good things: Kate got married and it was absolutely beautiful. Wish you could have been there. Not sure you would have enjoyed it, might have had to wear a tux yourself. Dad looked absolutely amazing in his. And Kate was so beautiful, wish you could have seen her. Maybe you did? I don't know.

Not so good things: Grandma died unexpectedly in March and we had a little health scare with Dad. All's well now, but, man that was a bit of a shock.

I'm learning computer things - all by myself, no net, no safety harness, no Henry to help when I get stuck :-) I can make slide shows now, and I have ideas for a few more. Dad and I went to that bridge last week to take a few more pictures for the next one. I know you wouldn't like that, it'll feature you - the Henry I remember didn't like being the center of attention.

We're doing pizza tonight, in your memory. It's a nice way to remember you. We've actually tried out lots of places just with you in mind this summer. I think you'd approve of most of them, maybe not the borderline scuzzy one in Berkeley, but maybe so. The pizza's great.

Miss you lots, as always and wish you'd seen a way out of that situation, something much less drastic.

Much love,

♥Mum♥

P.S. That may well have been a typo, but it's stuck.

P.P.S. We're almost ready to cancel your phone plan and are thinking of what to do with your car. Moving on ......

Bridge Rail Foundation Conference and Workshop

2010-10-27T16:12:00.000-07:00

The Bridge Rail Foundation will hold a conference and workshop in San Francisco on November 6, 2010.
More information to be found here:

http://www.bridgerail.org/

Today is/was purple day

2010-10-20T20:17:00.000-07:00

Quite a few of my Facebook friends (and plenty of others) are/were wearing purple today in support of the gay teenagers who were harassed so badly they saw no other way out than to take their lives.
There isn't a whole lot I can say about this, I'm not good with words and it's all been said I would think.
I am quite familiar with bullying; always having been on the small and timid side I made an easy target. I am quite certain that bullying also contributed to what happened with Henry. Not necessarily bullying towards the end but along the way. He was a rather sensitive child.
One of my friends said it perfectly in her blog post today: It does get easier. And I can attest to that. One grows up, learns to deal with things, gains a certain distance, realizes that the problem is the other person's (the bully's) and, with any luck, is the stronger for it.
Sometime today I remembered a quote by Eric Idle (of Monty Python fame) I heard recently: Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will make me go in a corner and cry by myself for hours. So true!

A slide show

2010-10-13T17:15:00.000-07:00

It worked. Wow. My second "real" slide show. The other one has somewhat cheesy music, this one does not. And I did it all by myself - nobody holding my hand, standing over me, giving advice. Just me and the computer (we aren't such great friends). Maybe there's hope for me yet?

This is October?

2010-10-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

I realize this is a pretty crummy picture, BUT .......... it's the middle of October, it's after 3 p.m. and it's 95 degrees outside. What's going on? Yes, I know we had a nice, cool summer and saved tons of money by not having to use the A/C, but this a a bit much. The second or third (I've lost count) heatwave since September. I'm ready for cooler weather, I want to wear jeans again, not little dresses.
Okay, enough whining. I realize I've slipped in my little challenge. Even though I've taken quite a few pictures (my memory card proves it), I haven't uploaded any here (there are a few on FB). But I've learned a new skill in Digicam class: I can make slide shows now and set them to music (if the computer cooperates). There's one on FB and if I could only learn to upload it here, I just might (even though the music is kind of cheesy). I have ideas for many, many more, just need to find the time, take a few more pix and find the motivation. Spending the day in front of the computer is NOT my idea of a good time anymore.

From the archives

2010-10-06T15:27:00.001-07:00

I'm cheating here - just a little. I did take this picture myself, just not today. And I won't be taking a lot of pictures until I get all my old ones sorted, organized and stored and possibly off the computer. I still haven't completely wrapped my head around the way I'm supposed to do it. Thankfully, we're not running out of memory yet.
We're taught in class to upload to the computer, Photoshop Elements (whichever version; we're using 7 in class and that's what I have at home but I've only just installed it; version 9 is just out) and to organize into folders there. Then the folders are supposed to be burned to CD's (two copies, one to take the place of negatives, one just to be on the safe side) and, after checking that everything worked, everything is to be deleted from the computer. I'm not quite ready to do that. I'm organizing and deleting bad or unnecessary ones, but I'm not at the point where I can do the rest of what I'm supposed to do.
Who would have thought that photography could get so complicated?

The rock that didn't last

2010-10-04T17:17:00.000-07:00

Ever since somebody told me about this beach on the Marin Headlands where you can find rocks with holes that are suitable for wearing on a necklace, we've been looking for those rocks. The beach is Rodeo Beach and the rocks are not easy to find.
But, a couple of weeks ago, I did find one with a perfect hole. Unfortunately, it's much too big to wear as jewelry, but I liked the looks of it, so it came home with me.
This morning I picked it up - it's been sitting on the rail of the deck out back - and it literally fell to bits. Obviously, a case of failure to thrive outside its natural habitat.

Playing with close-ups again

2010-10-03T18:14:00.001-07:00

Publish Post

I was going to go "into the archives" for a picture today because, quite honestly, all this editing is very time consuming. Love to take pictures in the first place, but uploading, cropping, signing etc. takes a long, long time. And that's really not my favorite thing to do to start with.
But then I decided to try playing with the aperture (mixed success) and eventually add a macro/magnifying filter and this is what happened. There were a few more, but this is the one I kept coming back to.
I obviously like close-ups best of all and I especially love the fuzzy background effect. Sooner or later, though, I'm sure I'll run out of things to photograph up close :-) My little challenge will continue until the end of the month only. As I said before, it all takes quite a bit of time.

Preventing teen suicide

2010-10-03T13:01:00.000-07:00

This was on CBS this morning:

http://www.cbsnews.com/video/watch/?id=6923266n&tag=channelMore%3BlatestRight

I don't know how to put up this clickable video thingy, so, it's just a simple link.

It's not just about the GGB. It mentions Tyler Clementi and a few programs meant to help young people at risk. Well worth watching.

Today's picture

2010-10-02T19:09:00.001-07:00

Today's picture was hard to decide on - there were three in the running. This one was one of my choices (I had two) , my husband had yet another favorite.
I'll let you decide which you like best, the others are here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=232476&id=708398128&l=18fb3b95de
My other choice was the stagecoach, my husband liked the sign that advised not to put kids in "wheelbarrels."

Somebody deserves hazard pay for this one

2010-10-01T16:14:00.000-07:00

The picture quality leaves something to be desired, BUT ..... this was shot through the windshield in a moving car on the back of the truck in front of us. Obviously, I was NOT driving, but I still do NOT recommend doing this. There was a lot of complaining about he bumpy road, the inability to focus the camera and various other problems. But this was the one and only shot I took and I think it's acceptable.

Weed of the day

2010-09-30T11:59:00.001-07:00

No, there won't be a new challenge: weed of the day. I'm just running out of ways to say "picture of the day."
Obviously, it's a dandelion gone to seed (and the neighbors will all be happy to be gifted - NOT!).
I took Jerry for a walk this morning and left the camera at home. Mistake! Saw lots of things that I thought would make for good pictures. So, after we got back home, I grabbed the camera, jumped in the car and went back to where there were photo opportunities.
I took quite a few and figured it would be difficult to decide on just one. But, once they were cropped a bit, it became quite obvious which is the best. Too much background made the shot a bit disappointing, but this way, I quite like it. And I didn't do anything else, no editing other than cropping out the background and reducing the size of the image.

Picture of the day

2010-09-29T12:14:00.001-07:00

Not a great picture - I apologize. The light was wrong (mid-day is bad), I was too far away. But all the other pictures I took today are of similar quality and this one is more interesting, so it'll have to do.
I drove by Planned Parenthood on my way to the library and the Pro Lifers were out - not in force, it's too hot, and there never are more than a few, a dozen at most.
Oh, and by the way, I am NOT expressing an opinion with any of the pictures I take. If I do, I'll say so. Otherwise, it's just a picture.

An evening with Joan Baez

2010-09-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

Last night we saw Joan Baez perform at the Napa Valley Opera House. I was a huge fan way back when - in my teens and twenties (and that really was a long time ago).
The voice has changed a bit, gotten older, not so high (as she said herself), but the songs are still as enjoyable as ever, the message is still there and she does not at all look almost 70. She's tiny, I had no idea. And I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one whose jeans are always too long.
She brought along her mother (who's 97) and who has apparently managed her and probably still does; her son, who did percussion; an assistant, who changed guitars between songs and a guy named Dirk Powell who accompanied her on just about everything with strings and the keyboard (there was a joke about him leaving his trumpet at home).
There was enjoyable banter with the audience, little anecdotes (the Grey Panthers in Berkeley attacked her over one of her songs), little stories, and an excellent impersonation of Bob Dylan (old 2-note Bob) (quite appropriate considering their history).
All in all, a very enjoyable evening with Joan Baez.

Today's picture

2010-09-28T14:28:00.001-07:00

Water (from the sprinklers) caught in cobwebs between the leaves. Saw this while taking out the trash and went back inside to get the camera.
I'm having far too much fun taking pictures (this wasn't the only one I took today, just one of the better ones). My digicam class II starts today, we're learning to use Photoshop Elements 7. I may or may not have any hair left afterwards :-)

A sort of challenge - the picture of the day

2010-09-27T16:07:00.000-07:00

I've set myself a sort of challenge: try to find something interesting to photograph every day. It may or may not work, we'll see.
I saw this picture last week and that's what made me think of this. Today, I've started carrying the smallest camera in my purse. Makes for a heavy purse/bag, but I won't have to kick myself for missing interesting shots any longer.

The street where I live

2010-09-26T16:49:00.001-07:00

Not sure if this works on here (it does on FB and, just in case, here's the link to this and two other shots: : http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=231040&id=708398128&l=f1c2b9cde5): I was playing with a new feature on my new little Sony: the panorama setting.
This, literally, is the street where I live. I've had a little two much fun playing with this camera this morning. But that's the nice thing about digital cameras: don't like what you did? Just delete it.

Digicam class

2010-09-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

After my favorite little point and shoot camera gave up its ghost a month ago (and it's still usuable, I'd just have to dig out the duct tape), I decided it was time to grow up. In terms of camera, that is. I had seen classes offered in digital camera use through the Adult School and called to sign up and got the last place. There was a bit of a problem about that later in the day, but we straightened it out and I'm almost done with the first set of classes: how to use your camera. I'm still very much a beginner, haven't figured out F-stop, shutter speed etc. just yet. But I've learned to do close-ups (which I absolutely love) and changing the white balance and a few other less challenging things.
Next week, we're starting on Photoshop Elements 7 and I got brave and uploaded that one to the computer. We're still trying to make friends with each other. It won't let me save my watermark the way I want to, maybe down the line.
Here are a few of my early efforts, no doubt there'll be more.

Drug use on the increase

2010-09-16T11:31:00.001-07:00

And just when you thought it was over .................

An article from AP about drug use being on the increase:

http://abclocal.go.com/kgo/story?section=news%2Fnational_world&id=7671122

I know there are a lot of people who have no problem with any of this and it never was of much importance to me, either.
But, having seen what can happen (and I know very well it doesn't happen to everybody), I'm very much in favor of stricter penalties for drug dealers, stricter enforcement and definitely much more education and awareness.
Of course, not everybody who tries drugs goes on to hard drugs as fast as Henry did and not everybody becomes suicidal in a matter of weeks. But it's not unheard of, it does happen and kids have that mistaken notion that they are invincible. Just because somebody can handle dope, doesn't mean he/she can handle Ecstacy or meth as well.
And that campaign to legalize marijuana seems to me as yet another way to make a quick buck. "Money for nothing."

The past rears its ugly head

2010-09-16T11:14:00.000-07:00

Doesn't it seem like I'm going for some kind of record with the number of posts recently? :-)

So, Henry died on 8 May 2007. The hospital there knew enough to contact me by phone shortly after he was admitted. I don’t know if they looked into his wallet or they got contact info from the police but I do know they had his wallet with his insurance card and his driver’s license in their possession because they handed it to me as my friends and I were leaving. Oh, and nobody asked me for insurance info the whole time I was there, either.

When we still hadn’t gotten invoices from anybody involved (hospital, doctors’ group, ambulance, paramedics) after 3 months or so, Larry started calling around. The hospital had no record of him (what?). Call to the Medical Examiner explained that people admitted to the ER get a crisis (?) name (I think Henry’s was Zulu something). Back to the hospital: oh, yeah, Zulu ….. So, Larry gave the nice man in accounting our names and address. ……………. Nothing for weeks. Another phone call, yes, they have our info.

Eventually, the Doctors’ Group tracked out down (after we had called them, too) and served us with a delinquent notice and threatened us with a collection agency. The insurance got involved and so did Human Resources at Larry’s employer and this was all taken care off. Not without hurt feelings and harsh words being exchanged, the woman who answered the phones at the Doctors’ Group was an evil bitch (and that’s putting it nicely).

After months of all this, SF General finally sent the insurance a bill, they paid, but we never heard from them. Until this morning, when a letter marked personal and confidential and addressed to Henry arrived. Delinquent notice, pay within 10 days or else.

Are these people thinking? Is there a connection between doctors, nurses and accounting?

I certainly wonder.

I am not disputing the amount outstanding, far from it. We have been wanting to pay for years now. What I’m upset about is the way all this has been handled/worded, trying to make us look like deadbeats. We’re not, we’ve tried to get an invoice for years and now we’re the bad guys? I don’t think so.

But I feel a whole lot better now. I just called the guy whose name is on the invoice and complained. I was nice, no bad words, no yelling, just explaining and asking what had been going on. I should do that more often :-)

Flea market, September 2010

2010-09-15T15:38:00.001-07:00

Another flea market and another load of pictures. I'm trying to get used to a new camera - two cameras, actually. The point and shoot is strictly for the flea market and while I can do just that - point and shoot - it comes with a menu of options that I haven't explored yet.
The other camera, SLR type, has been around for a couple of years but I've hardly ever used it. All those buttons and dials intimidated me. So, I'm taking a class. I can do close-ups that I'm very happy with and will upload a few pictures soon. Next we will learn things like shutter speed settings and I'm not looking forward to that. Too many new things in too short a time.
Back to the flea market: the tool and button vendors are two of our favorites (along with the vintage fabric seller). Larry obviously goes for the tools (and the sewing machine and typewriter were at the same table), I'm into buttons (and far too many other things). And, yes, I actually use the buttons - more on that later.
The last trip was very successful, maybe too successful?

Busted

2010-09-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

On my way to photography class this afternoon (I'm finally learning to use my SLR digital camera), I noticed three cars parked on the side of the road, 2 huge SUVs and 1 small non-descript sedan. The SUVs were from the Sheriff’s Department and one was a canine unit.

The light at the intersection changed to yellow, I stopped and while I was sitting there, the little caravan just behind me started to move. The passed me in the bike lane to my right and turned left just in front of me. Had I insisted on my right-of-way when the light turned green, I would have been rammed.

Then, as if in slow motion (because I was still kind of shocked about being cut off like this), the SUVs and the sedan surrounded a small car with 4 people inside stopped at the red left just off to my left, waiting in the left turn lane. The dog was let out – big, black and mean-looking. Two plain clothes officers jumped out of the small sedan and pulled guns.

The people in the car all stuck one hand out of the window next to them ……………

............ and that’s all I saw. The light had turned green for me, there were cars behind me, I had to get to class and I didn’t think the officers would appreciate it if I yanked out my camera and clicked away. Wish I had, could have gotten some interesting pictures.

I keep wanting to talk about “shots” instead of pictures and “shooting” instead of clicking or taking pictures, but considering the subject, I’m going with the alternative.

September 10 is World Suicide Prevention Day

2010-09-09T21:17:00.000-07:00

And the editor published my letter here:

http://napavalleyregister.com/news/opinion/mailbag/article_98ea6408-bcfe-11df-8dbf-001cc4c002e0.html

I only write about once a year. Henry didn't have a very high opinion of people who wrote to newspaper editors. He wouldn't appreciate it. And I wouldn't do this if things were different.

I mostly recycled last year's (blog and FB) info and added a bit: warning signs and risk factors.

More bags and changes

2010-08-26T16:36:00.001-07:00

I apologize for the worse than usual quality of the pictures. My favorite little camera is busted. It still takes pictures, but the lid for the compartment that holds the batteries doesn't close anymore and so the batteries don't make good contact. I had to hold my thumb on there for dear life to make it work.
I'll miss my little camera, it's been perfect (all the wedding pictures were shot with it), small and, therefore, portable. Even though it only has 5.1 megapixels I have gotten some very good shots with it. We're going to look for a replacement tomorrow. Yes, I have (2) better cameras, but none of them are this convenient.
But, that's not all just yet. My cell phone gave up its ghost on the trip to Denver, too. So, more changes there. Not just a new and much more sophisticated phone (an iPhone, no less) and with it a huge learning curve (and I'm suffering from a serious case of technophobia) and, as if that wasn't enough, a new server which means giving up the plan that included Henry's phone. Yup, I can still call him and listen to his voice, but not for much more than the next couple of days.
I said, there'd be changes, didn't I?
About the bags: some newly made - the last two (same pattern as the ones in the last bag post) - some made a while ago and not shown yet. The first three are from the same pattern (The Practical Bag by Grand Revival Designs). I reduced the size (the pattern makes a really large bag), the red bag is 80% of the original size (possibly a little small for my taste), the other two are 90% and just right. The French bag has been to Denver and back, the other's haven't been used (yet).

The wedding in pictures

2010-08-24T16:08:00.001-07:00

The wedding was held 21 August 2010 at the Evergreen Lake House, Evergreen, Colorado (CO) - Party Location, Wedding Venue at 6 pm. The setting was beautiful, everything went very well. There were a few raindrops while we were still inside waiting for everybody to be seated outside. A friend of Kate and Mark's officiated (Universal Life Church, ya know?) and he did a lovely job, his speech was personal, meaningful and had a few people sniffling.
Afterwards, there were pictures (the photographer is in the second to last photo, wearing two-tone sneakers, which came in handy when he took pictures during the ceremony from the water-side of the fence) and somebody took over with my camera (so, while I didn't take all the pictures shown, they all were on my memory stick). We're still waiting for the official pictures.
Next came cocktails and lots of socializing and, I am sure, candid photos.
Dinner was delicious, the speeches were fun and appropriate. Bridesmaids and groomsmen were introduced (there's a you tube video of an entrance that didn't go quite as planned) and then the fun started.
All in all, a very enjoyable evening. And, of course, the bride looked gorgeous (and I'm not just saying that because I'm her mother - really!).

Pictures

2010-08-24T16:04:00.001-07:00

The above pictures are from the Barbecue held the night before the wedding at Bear Creek Lake Park. We met Mark's parents for the first time and reconnected with Larry's siblings and their spouses.
There was no rehearsal dinner, just a casual get together of family and lots of friends and off to the side a small discussion between bride, groom, bridesmaids, groomsmen and the friend who was officiating. And that was enough.

The wedding

2010-08-23T09:31:00.000-07:00

Absolutely lovely - everything about it. But, since I'm still worn out and trying to get back to normal, rather than uploading all the pictures I've edited so far, I'm including a link to the album on Facebook. I've relaxed the privacy setting on it and it should be visible to all:

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=194992&id=708398128&l=256ea33129

Let me know, please, if it doesn't work and I'll upload them individually.
Oh, and they are well worth looking at. Really!
edited later: I've changed the link, hopefully it'll work now.

Review of "Golden Gate"

2010-08-16T15:02:00.000-07:00

My friend Marilee sent me a link to this:
http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/08/13/AR2010081302371.html

It's a review of a new book about the Golden Gate Bridge by Kevin Starr and I'm glad to see that there's mention of the fact that it's a suicide magnet.

Nice! Not nice, obviously, that these suicides occur, but nice that this fact isn't ignored.

Addicted - oh, no!

2010-08-16T13:03:00.001-07:00

No, I am not addicted to anything illegal or immoral. And nothing fattening for a change, either.

What I am a little obsessed with these days are thrift stores and old sheets. Vintage, funky, cool, soft, pretty and sometimes simply just old.

The above is a very small sample of what I have collected so far.

What do I do with these sheets? Well, first I wash and dry them, fold them and try to find a place to store them out of the light and out of the way. A little hard to do considering that I also have a considerable fabric stash. And that’s where the “oh, no!” comes in.

But I am buying them with a purpose, they aren’t just meant to sit there and take over the house. Oh, no! I actually cut into them and sew with them.

So far, I’ve made two very big bags and have cut out a few more (did you know that a king sized pillowcase is large enough for one of these bags?). One’s mine (the not so pretty one, I used a marginal sheet to try out the pattern (to be found here), the other is meant for my daughter. I hope she likes it. It’s not as blue as it could have been.

Money for the suicide barrier

2010-08-13T18:12:00.000-07:00

Just really quick:

Today, the Board of Directors of the Golden Gate Bridge Authority voted unanimously to accept the money from the MTC to design and engineer the net that was approved as a suicide barrier. A huge step in the right direction. Of course, the money to actually build it still has to be found.

Flea market in August

2010-08-08T12:35:00.001-07:00

This is my necessary flea market equipment: the cart, a hat (in case the sun comes out), backpack with water bottle and camera and other absolute necessities.

I obviously was quite fascinated by this elderly couple, or rather, by their clothes. Wish I could get away with something this interesting and colorful. Seriously!

The flea market is held monthly on the old Alameda Naval Air Base and it's huge, really. These are some of the buildings we pass on the way back out that are being put to good use these days. Many, many more stand empty and this is just a small sampling of the ones that aren't. The winery, BTW, was featured in the news recently. One that's not located right where the grapes are grown.

Time magazine article

2010-08-03T12:30:00.000-07:00

Continuing on in the same vein and obviously having a one-track mind:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,2008158,00.html

I promise there will be pictures and text about something other than the bridge and the oh-so-necessary barrier. Just have to find the time ................

It's really happening ...........

2010-07-30T12:37:00.000-07:00

......... and it's about time, too. Overdue, really.

http://www.aolnews.com/nation/article/iconic-golden-gate-bridge-to-get-45m-suicide-net/19573836?sms_ss=facebook

A step in the right direction

2010-07-15T07:28:00.000-07:00

This meeting took place yesterday:

http://www.marinij.com/marinnews/ci_15517020

The first $5 million towards a suicide barrier. Where to find the remaining $45 million?

Whose shoes revisited

2010-07-07T07:56:00.000-07:00

The same young woman who made the video of the "Don't Jump" event, made a video for the Bridge Rail Foundation about the Whose Shoes set-up from the suicide walk 2 years ago.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZy5yMVxC1U

Copyright watermark on photos

2010-06-22T20:34:00.001-07:00

I just found this:

http://stegart.blogspot.com/2010/06/watermarks-on-photos.html

which explains how to do the above even easier than I've been doing it. This way, the letter size can be adjusted to the size of the individual photo. I've been saving the whole thing as a file and copying and pasting which works, but it's one size and as we all know that does not fit all.
©, BTW, is done by holding down the "alt" key and typing 0169 on the numbers keypad.
My public service announcement for the day ♥

My new favorite bag

2010-06-22T12:32:00.001-07:00

Somebody was obviously having too much fun taking self-portraits.
I made this bag a while ago, starting with a pattern I bought on etsy - one of those PDF downloadable files. It looked really cute in the pictures but didn't turn out quite that cute when I was done. Not wanting to waste that fabric, I took the bottom apart and reworked it, adding pleats, and really, really love it. Now it does look cute. It's yet another fairly big bag (I figured out yet again yesterday that I do not do small bags), soft, slouchy, just the way I like them.
I think I'd love it even more if it had an outside pocket, but that'll come with the next incarnation of this bag. Maybe a bottom insert, too. Who knows?
Obviously, the love affair with the pencil skirt continues as well. With the required stomach crunches, not so much.

Golden Gate Bridge event last Sunday

2010-06-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know how to link to a You Tube video so that the actual video shows up here, so you'll just have to make do with this:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J9bKeBCBxKs

Info about it is here on Facebook and I wish I had attended .................

http://www.facebook.com/?ref=logo#!/event.php?eid=134344396576414

I find it very hard to watch the video without tearing up and I'm so bloody stoic that doesn't happen often.

Flea market - or almost wordless Sunday

2010-06-06T19:04:00.000-07:00

I did say "almost wordless" - don't you all think the second dress would make a perfect mother-of-the-bride outfit? Somewhere? Maybe not where I'm going :-)

Which one?

2010-06-01T15:49:00.000-07:00

Facebook won't let me upload the above pictures - they are either too tall or too skinny. The pictures, not me, mind you.
So, here they go instead - just for a little while.
Why? Because I have a really hard time deciding which dress to keep. I need something for my daughter's wedding in August and couldn't decide and, therefore, ended up with 3 dresses and one little jacket.
The black one isn't in the running for the wedding at all. I just happen to like it a lot, especially with that little jacket on top. But I also realize that I really do not have many opportunities to wear anything like that - if any.
So, it's really between the blue and the orchid one. My daughter likes blue, I've had several votes for orchid and I haven't a clue. DH is no help, as usual where clothes are concerned.
So, which one should I wear?

This morning

2010-05-28T16:41:00.000-07:00

I don't think this post really requires any words, the pictures are self-explanatory. Lucky shots - I let the dog out early (as always) and saw cobwebs all over the backyard and the deck, grabbed my camera and snapped away. I noticed that none of them were visible any longer when I checked back 45 minutes or so later - all the dew had evaporated.

Third Annual Bridge Visit

2010-05-11T11:14:00.000-07:00

I told somebody recently that we would be on that bridge every year on the anniversary of Henry's death until that suicide barrier is finally constructed.
It almost didn't happen this year: Larry was sick, very sick. We suspected food poisoning at first but, since I came down with it 2 days later, it was obviously a stomach bug.
He thought he could make it, but he just wasn't in any shape to leave the house on Saturday. So, I drove myself. What you have to know here is that I am a very reluctant highway driver - there are certain places I drive myself but mostly because I've gone there so often, it's not a big deal anymore. But I've never driven to the bridge by myself. All went well, though, although I went early hoping to avoid heavy traffic and, therefore, wasn't on the bridge at the right time.
I had to dodge many bicycles on my way out of the parking lot (on Saturdays, the Western walkway is open to bicycles) and many, many more girl scouts on the other side (it's the annual bridging ceremony - from the Wikipedia site: "Most notable is the bridging ceremony held in San Francisco as Juniors bridge to Cadettes over the Golden Gate Bridge. The girls bridging walk across a bridge (sometimes literally or symbolically) to their new level and are greeted with the Girl Scout Handshake.).
I dropped the rose petals I had collected and the forget-me-nots I had grown just for this purpose, took a few pictures (and had a total stranger take a picture of me) and then drove home.
Tonight, we hand out the first scholarship and I'm it - I offered (foolishly) to make the short speech this year and since I made a very miraculous recovery after being sicker than I could remember ever having been before, I will just have to do it. This year, we'll be awarding at 3 schools, next year, only at 2. We are cutting our ties with the school Henry attended for a variety of reasons. Wish me luck!

8 May 2007

2010-05-08T13:17:00.000-07:00

Don't read the following post if you have a sensitive nature. It talks about death and gets a bit graphic and most likely won't stay up here for very long. I have a shorter version of this that I will probably substitute in a few days.
Note added later: I'm leaving it up because your comments convinced me.

May 2007 was a beautiful day, warm (not hot), sunny, with a light breeze. A perfect day to spend outside barefoot, wearing short sleeves. Much warmer than today is - I've just come back from the bridge, having gone by myself because poor Larry has food poisoning. He's on the mend but was in no shape to go.

Larry is in Pascagoula, MS, on business.
The day starts like any other, with Henry getting up to make his breakfast and feeding the dogs and me going into the garage to exercise. As usual, we pass in the hallway and have a short conversation. He is in better spirits than he has been in the last 10 days. He has slept well, the weather is nice. As always, I ask him to drive carefully, and go on. He leaves for school with a big roar and I get ready for my day which includes a yoga class at 10:15 am. Sometime between breakfast and leaving for class, I start trying on all my black skirts to sort out some for the Salvation Army when the phone rings - Justin-Siena. Henry has left during first period English class and hasn't returned (it is now second period) and he is exchanging disturbing text messages with another student. I think the police have been called before me.

I call to cancel class and try to get a hold of Larry, who doesn't answer his cell phone. It takes me several tries before I finally get hold of one of his colleagues and explain and ask him to call Larry in Pascagoula. It also takes a while to get him to understand that it really is urgent.
Next I go to the school where I am sent to the vice principal's office. While I am on one side of the building, the student Henry is texting with is on the other side, but nobody ever suggests getting me involved in this and I have no idea if there was an adult supervising or not. I also have no idea how to text (to this day). I still have that conversation and it doesn't seem like there was any guidance whatsoever. Henry never lets on where he was going until the very end.
Eventually, I get the impression that I am in the way and leave to drive around town looking for Henry - without success, of course. Both Larry and I make numerous (dozens of) phone calls but never connect with Henry. I figure out months later that he picks up and hangs up on us every time. By the time I finally get through to leave a message, it is already too late.
I come home around 1 pm to a message on the machine from the police, call back and two female officers come to my house soon after. There are two phone calls from San Francisco General Hospital - first a doctor: Henry has been admitted in critical shape after jumping from the GGB, there is talk of brain damage (my first thought, “He’ll hate that.”), lung damage, bleeding into the lungs etc. Second call from SFGH, social worker, who gives me the address.
The police find a law enforcement chaplain to drive my friend and I (I called her sometime while all this was going on) since I am in no shape to drive and don't want her to drive, either.
Pack overnight bag at police’s suggestions.
Phil, the chaplain, arrives while I’m still packing and trying to make arrangements for dogs with neighbors. I think I am already in shock by then (and stay there for about 3 months).
We leave around 2 pm and drive through Marin not knowing that it would have been better to go down I-80. Have to stop at Infineon Raceway so I can go pee (I spend a lot of time in bathrooms that day). During all this time, I am in touch with Larry whenever he isn't on a plane and have contacted Kate and keep her updated, too.
We arrive at the hospital around 3 pm and are led to a private waiting area. We talk to the social worker and one young doctor (female?). They are still working on Henry, it's very critical.
Around 3:30 pm, a 2nd doctor, again young and female comes to talk to us: Henry didn’t make it.
We wait a bit more while Henry is cleaned up for viewing so I can say goodbye. Phil makes sure seeing Henry isn’t going to be too upsetting.
We are led into a suture room, Henry is covered except for his head. There is evidence of a head wound on the right side of his head, there are small cuts on his face. He still has a breathing tube in his mouth. One of the doctors had explained that there were other injuries, including bleeding into the lungs (which is usually fatal) and a bleeding spleen. He/she said that they had tried hard to stop the bleeding because that was the most dangerous injury, but it didn’t work.
Somewhere along the way I am told that Henry’s heart had stopped when he was pulled out of the water which meant brain damage, that he had been revived with paddles (?) and meds, but never regained consciousness and never breathed on his own. He looks peaceful (the funeral director explained later that that's what happens during surgery as a result of pain meds), his eyes are closed, there are small, tiny really, wounds on his face, blood in his hair and blood around his nose. To this day, I wish I could have made the camera on my phone work so I could have had a picture of him. He looked so much more like himself (and at peace) there than he did in his coffin later. I say goodbye and kiss him goodbye, we go back a second time because Phil asks to pray over him.
Before we leave, I receive an envelope with Henry's personal effects: wallet, phone and a small Altoids tin.
I remember talking to the head nurse who assures me he didn't suffer. He’d been given pain meds and had never regained consciousness.
On the way home, I open the envelope and find prescription pills in there (not ours). The police had talked about drugs and I had told them very vehemently that Henry didn’t do drugs. They gave me all kinds of tips on where and what to look for and I absolutely didn’t believe them.
My friend leaves eventually – after I load her and Phil up with artichokes. Phil stays a little longer and I show him Henry’s senior picture. He leaves eventually and I start cleaning house. There are a couple of phone calls - the school principal and Henry's best friend. Apparently, the local grapevine is working very well and in addition there are plenty of rumors going around town.
Larry arrived around 11 pm. And that is the end of a very long and really crappy day, the day our world fell apart, our lives changed forever or whatever other platitude you'd like to use.

It turns out that Henry left class, went to the library to print out a map and driving directions to the Golden Gate Bridge. It doesn't seem that anybody ever challenged him while on campus or stopped him from leaving. He texted throughout his drive and it seems to have taken him longer than expected to get where he was going. He left his car with keys in the ignition in the parking lot on the NW side of the bridge, took the walkway under the bridge to the Eastern side. He walked to lamppost 47, emptied him pockets of cell phone, wallet and a small Altoids tin, held on to the railing, bounced a couple of times with a smile on his face and climbed over the railing and let go. He entered the water 50 ft from a fishing boat, was pulled out of the water and escorted by a coast guard cutter to Fort Baker where paramedics from the Presidio were standing by to take him to San Francisco General Hospital.
The police had put out a BOLO early on in the whole process and had contacted Marin CHP. At 11:54 am Napa PD called the Golden Gate Communications Center and again at 12:06 with a description of Henry. By then, it was already too late. He had jumped at 11:38 am.

How do I know all this? There was a witness - a tourist from Louisiana - who called Emergency Services and then stood guard over Henry's possessions. He, along with the fisherman below, gave a statement to the police and I have read the report repeatedly.
What I also know is that Henry got the idea for bridge jumping from seeing a documentary (?) on TV in the last month of his life.
What I still do not know to this day is what or if anything happened at school that morning to set him off. I know he sat with the usual "gang of six" in English class and that he was asked to read which he declined. Nothing unusual there. I have been told that he talked to only one person that morning - the kid he texted with - but that person supposedly does not remember what was said that day. It's entirely possible that he had already made up his mind in advance (the improved mood that morning is an indication) but I'm not completely convinced. He left behind logged conversations on his computer, didn't delete a single text message and that, to me, says otherwise. Who knows? I've given up trying to get answers. If they are there to be found, they will find me eventually. If not, by now I can live with what I know.

This, by the way, will be the last time I write about this. It's something I had to do, but I'm done now, so, from now on, it'll be all cupcakes and butterflies or sweetness and light or whatever cliche you'd like.

Too much time on my hands?

2010-05-05T18:36:00.001-07:00

Somebody obviously has too much time on her hands, or maybe not?
I just found a link to this article on my daughter's blog:

http://jezebel.com/5517893/the-new-decornographers-bloggers-with-perfect-beautiful-craftsy-lives

I won't comment on it other than to say that I prefer a bit of real life every so often to nothing but stylized perfection.

Before I forget .......

2010-05-04T19:53:00.000-07:00

I took these pictures quite a while ago and put them up on Facebook and forgot to post them here, too. I'm quite proud of the butterfly picture - it's a Western Tiger Swallowtail - and I shot it in the backyard. Just a really lucky shot.
Same thing with the toad. It was sitting on our front lawn. I'd just finished walking the dog and he wanted to go over and say hello. Considering that that thing has enormous claws, I'm glad he didn't.
I'll spare you the pictures of the Dutch Belt cows :-) and there are no flea market pictures this month. Somebody messed up on the settings on the camera and everything (and there would have been some pretty nice ones) turned out completely over-exposed. Oh well. At least, I had a really good lunch - the best pizza ever, wood fired and absolutely delicious!

Not too bad

2010-05-04T11:50:00.000-07:00

The idea for this post came to me last week, a few days after I started cleaning out my closet yet again. I do this regularly and just as regularly, I end up putting back a lot of things that are "not too bad." I did it again this time. Maybe that's how I ended up with an overly full closet that contains mostly Tshirts in shades of white, black and gray (never mind that I'm supposed to "Always wear a touch of gray"). I simply cannot do it - get rid of multiples (and I have lots of those. I'm a "uniform dresser.") or things that fit but are not quite the right color or vice versa.

The picture above is another example of "not too bad." I had to settle for this because by the time I took out the dog and fed him, most of the fog had dissipated and this was all that was left. But this picture is a lot better than 50 or so short sleeve white Tshirts, eh?

Cold turkey ..........

2010-04-22T12:20:00.001-07:00

No, unlike John Lennon when he wrote that song, I am not trying to kick a heroin addiction or any other kind of drug, alcohol or nicotine addiction. I'm dealing with something very legal, just fattening - SUGAR.
It's been 6 days since I stopped eating candy (I have a very serious sweet tooth) and I haven't gotten over the cravings yet. But I know myself - moderation doesn't work. It's either all or nothing and so I'm going for nothing (yet again). Having done this before, I know I can and I will do it. The prospect of not having to wear a tent for my mother-of-the-bride dress and not having to hold in my stomach when I hand out scholarships next month is what keeps me going. That and the fact that I already feel better even if I can't see any changes yet.
Used to be that I'd gain a little weight over the holidays, starting at Halloween (because I had to taste test the candy, of course), but I'd be able to get rid of it within weeks once I buckled down to a bit more exercise. Then it took a few months and now it's a real struggle - menopause, ya know?
Since I already made plenty of changes in my diet, this was just the next logical step.

Pepsi Refresh Project

2010-04-08T12:14:00.001-07:00

I'm sure by now we've all seen those Pepsi Refresh commercials. Obviously, we all want to save the planet, live as green as possible and support a lot of the projects mentioned there.
Here's a new one: engage high school teachers in teen suicide prevention. The details are in the clickable link up above and everybody can vote (more than once daily).
Obviously, teen suicide prevention is something that's very important to me - I think everybody who reads this blog knows that. So, let me just repeat a few facts:
Suicide is the third leading cause of death among teenagers.
One out of every high school students has a suicide plan, the numbers go up in college.
Many, if not most, suicides are impulsive, brought on by something the teenager could most likely deal with at any other time, but not at that moment.
Obviously, mental illness is a factor, as is substance abuse.
But knowing how to recognize the signs of depression, knowing how to deal with it and possible suicidal thoughts would go a long way towards helping.
So, please if you read this, consider voting and if you agree, please repost the link on your blog, Facebook page or wherever you can reach people. Thank you!
Here's the link again:
http://www.refresheverything.com/teendepression

Suicides at public landmarks

2010-03-31T17:30:00.001-07:00

A friend just sent me the link to this article:

http://www.aolnews.com/nation/article/why-so-many-suicides-happen-at-public-landmarks/19421417

Since I'm not on AOL anymore, I would have missed it and it's a good one, mentions the Seiden study and the Friend article and a few things I wasn't aware of.

And I think with this post, I've just set a new record for the most posts by me in one day :-) Won't happen again anytime soon.

Notes from a small studio

2010-03-31T11:58:00.001-07:00

Apologies to Bill Bryson for paraphrasing his "Notes from a Small Island" - it seemed too good not to do it.
Most of what I show here is sewing, isn't it? It's easy to photograph and it's colorful.
But, especially these days, I spend quite a bit of time in what used to be Henry's bedroom which has been converted into my studio, okay, the other studio, the one where I work with metal, PMC and now enamel.
I took a class last month and fell in love with it again. Again, because I enameled when I was a young teenager. Back then I used a kiln, now I use a torch. Back then I enameled as part of a group at the local YMCA every Wednesday afternoon. I was taught the basics, could ask for help if I needed it and made nice little pieces - none of which I have anymore. Now I'm on my own - no classes within easy driving distance. So, I experiment quite a bit. I don't apply my enamel powder wet anymore, I sift it on. I play with transparent powders and, for some strange reason, most transparent blues come out looking very much the same. I play with different undercoats - clear, quill white (which is a more translucent white) and undercoat white, an opaque white. I find it interesting to see how different the transparent colors look on the different undercoats.
The last two days, I've played with texture and doming. Tremendous fun, but a little frustrating trying to get the powder to stick on the convex surfaces (or the concave ones for that matter).
I know I should take daily notes so I'll know what I did where but, so far, all I do is to write which colors I've used, put my pieces in tiny baggies and staple those notes to it.
I'm not planning on doing anything fantastic or artistic. I like the organic look of most of my pieces. There are thin spots where the color differs from the rest of it and all my pieces are small - suitable for earrings or small pendants that lend a splash of color, about as much color as I wear most days :-)
Nothing to show just yet, not because I don't have anything, but because photographing anything this small requires that I set up one of the "better" cameras (on my tripod) and play with lighting (gooseneck lamps) and, for right now, I'd rather play upstairs than mess with a camera.
Soon, though.

Proposed California alcohol excise tax

2010-03-31T08:59:00.000-07:00

One of the dumber ideas I've seen lately - raising the tax on alcohol to astronomical levels. It won't raise revenue, it'll lower it because who can afford to pay over $5 extra on a bottle of wine, $6 on a six pack of beer and over $17 on a bottle of liquor? It'll harm to wine industry and will discourage people from enjoying the occasional glass of wine and/or beer. Might bring down the rate of alcoholism (and I'm all in favor of that), but is this the way to do it? And it gives a whole new meaning to the term "money for nothing" which is what the state would be getting. I'd rather see them come up with sensible ideas for the budget deficit and I'm still waiting for those.
Clicking on the title should take you to the article, but just in case ..................

http://sacramento.bizjournals.com/sacramento/stories/2010/03/29/daily29.html

No pink

2010-03-29T16:11:00.000-07:00

And no soft turquoise, either. Same size, but shorter straps. Why? Because that's all the fabric I had.

I just might move on to something else next. Who knows?

There's been sewing going on ............

2010-03-25T16:58:00.001-07:00

.................. and de-stashing and what I ended up with were more bags, of course.

The first one is huge, I followed a pattern for that one and used the given dimensions. Then I started scaling back. The next one (pictures 2 and 3, front and back) is small, maybe too small for my taste?

The last 3, yes that's 3 different ones, are good sizes (they are marginally different. They are all soft and drapey bags, not reinforced with interfacing or anything else that would stiffen them considerably so they are not suitable for heavy-duty use. But they are perfect to hold lunch and a book or a knitting project or anything else that's not too heavy.
Unfortunately, I haven't made much of a dent in the fabric stash so there will be more sewing going on.

Here we go again ...........

2010-03-25T09:01:00.000-07:00

It was bound to happen, wasn't it? I can't just keep this as a nice and harmless little blog. So, here, without further ado is a link to yet another suicide related article:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/david-vann/legend-of-a-suicide_b_511985.html

It's a bit graphic, so don't read it if it bothers you.
It talks about survivor guilt and shame and, no, that's not why I'm doing this. I've forgiven myself quite a while ago (after beating myself up relentlessly).
I think (and that may just be me) that some of the shame comes from the feeling of being judged and while I'm not entirely certain that that's what happened to us, there were quite a few people (like Henry's favorite teachers) who stayed far away from us. Was that because they judged either us or Henry? Or was that because they simply did not know what to say? The latter I can forgive, the first - not so much.
And I cannot forgive stupidity, either. I have an ex-friend (now) who made the usual dumb-ass remark by the totally uninformed, "If they are prevented from taking their lives here, they'll just go somewhere else." No, that sort of "I know exactly what I'm talking about, even though I haven't ever read a single book or article about suicide" attitude I cannot forgive.

Organizing

2010-03-23T16:08:00.001-07:00

From this, this & this ...........

And this and this ............

To this & this:

I'm cheating, of course. That's not all the fabric I have. I'm not showing the laundry baskets full, or the stack that's still on the floor. But I'm working on reducing my stash and I'm on a fabric diet (no buying for quite a while).
Please note the dog toys in the bottom right corner of the fourth picture. They are everywhere - literally.

Is it spring yet?

2010-03-15T11:56:00.000-07:00

I think the answer is a resounding "yes."
Better do some weeding before my Buddha ends up totally overgrown.

The flea market that almost didn't happen

2010-03-10T11:51:00.001-08:00

The first Sunday of the month is flea market in Alameda. I wasn't so sure the first two times, but after that I began to enjoy myself and to look forward to it.
So, when there was an obviously distressed dog barking up a storm and throwing itself against a fence late on Saturday night, I wasn't too happy. After all, we were planning in getting up early and that required getting to bed early. It took a while to figure out that the dog noises were actually coming out of our yard and quite a while more that it was a neighbor's dog that had managed to crawl under the fence but couldn't find his way back out. The neighbor wasn't home, animal control didn't want to come but suggested we wait until morning because, surely, the dog would come out by itself. Not a good idea. Not only did this dog make a tremendous fuss (and was in danger of hurting itself by throwing itself hard against the fence), but his buddy on the other side of the fence wasn't happy either. And we wanted to get some sleep.
Eventually, the neighbors came back home and realized their dog was missing. Animal control came at the same time they came and quite a bit past my usual bedtime everything was resolved.
We did get an early start but had to backtrack to get a missing wallet which wasted almost an hour. By the time we got to Alameda, the line crawling into the parking lot was 1/2 mile long.
My favorite fabric vendor was there, but I didn't find the china I was looking for. Something to look for next month and the month after and the one after that.
Here, in no particular order are some images:

And this is why we pass on the very tempting donuts - see? I got them as they are being flipped out of the fryer.

Recognizing the signs of suicide

2010-03-04T15:56:00.000-08:00

Really wish I had seen this one 3 years ago, it's all in there. This is the first article I've ever seen that mentions agitated depression as a danger sign, not so much melancholic depression. And it mentions substance abuse. I've read about that before and that was the critical piece of information we were missing.

Warning signs of suicide - Health.com

I don't mean to turn this whole blog into an information site about suicide and suicide prevention, it just so happens that I keep finding these useful articles at this time.

I am hoping there'll be something else coming here soon.