This week isn't one I'm looking forward to.
Not only do I have to fly solo again when handing out scholarships on Tuesday, but Thursday is the anniversary of Henry's death. And, yes, more scholarships that night. I can do it and I can do it alone, but, even after all these years, I still get nervous about getting up on stage and behind a microphone for my little speech.
Mostly, though, it's yet again not knowing how to deal with the anniversary. In previous years, we've gone to the bridge and tied flowers to the rail. Just a bit of a statement to bring awareness to what's going on there. I've even gone all by myself (and I don't drive highways if I can avoid it) because L was terribly sick with stomach flu one year and, at that time, I felt I HAD to go.
But we didn't go last year, my sister was dying and I couldn't do it. She did, in fact, die less than a month later. My in-laws went, they have met us there almost every year and offered to go for us.
I am also still struggling to find a way to remember him, celebrate his life and mourn his passing in a way that is right for me. The bridge visits in previous years were the right thing to do, but now, not so much.
We have had mass said for him for a few years, but that doesn't feel right any longer either.
I know how other people remember their lost loved ones and, while I love their ideas, they aren't right for me. So, I am a bit lost.
I have come to realize over the years that a lot people don't understand and don't want to talk about this, so I've learned to keep all this to myself - mostly. Many people seem to think one needs to move on and put this behind oneself. Easier said than done.
Henry is still a part of my life, maybe not daily, but thoughts of him come to me often. Not so much of the end of his life, just random thoughts.
It just doesn't feel right to me not to do something, I just don't know what that something is.
So, it'll probably be me with my thoughts this week, not so happy with myself for still not knowing exactly how to balance things. Better keep busy with some project or other.