A new beginning

For the last few days, I've felt a certain lightness of being. I pondered this for a while, as I am wont to do - husband says I live in my head too much. Who knows?
I might have come to a conclusion and I've made a couple of decisions, all, of course, Henry related. I am going to stop beating myself up over things I did or didn't do right and/or wrong. I think I did the best I could with the information I had at the time and missing a key ingredient - the drug use - made it almost impossible to see what was really going on.
I will also stop asking his "friends"/classmates for answers to questions I still have. It's pointless, only one has ever come to us on his own accord and he helped tremendously, the others are doing their best to stay far, far away from us. I've approached several over the last year and a half and have gotten an answer or two but most of them were either evasive or lying. That kind of tells me something. Anyway, I'm done. I'll live with what I know.
Now, all of that doesn't mean I won't be going back into that "dark place" from time to time but I really hope those time will be fewer and much further apart than they have been.
And isn't it an interesting coincidence that his school sent us a letter today asking if we'd continue with the scholarship. Yes, we will, but not at your school, darlings. Last time this year, next year we'll move to the New Tech High School. And that's the last thing .... I'm not going to read their newsletter anymore and will throw all solicitations for money into the trash unread (if they still send them after I asked them to quit).
Ooooh, still a bit bitter, aren't we? :-)
There will be one more Henry related post coming in May and, of course, there will still be suicide awareness and a bit of drug education here and there, but, otherwise, it'll be all sweetness and light. Yeah, right!


mjlayman said...

Pretty rude of them to ask you for more money!

Beady Zoo said...

Celebrate this step! I love the phrase, "lightness of being." Oh, by the way, women ponder, men speed about -- it's a gender thing ;-)

I'm glad to read about your conclusions and decisions -- sometimes it really doesn't do any good to search for the answers. If they are available, they will find you. With the missing key ingredient, it WAS impossible to know, not almost impossible. And if you find yourself visiting "dark places," that's still all part of the process and we'll be here.

Rude school! I agree with MJ. You're entitled to still be a little bitter -- that will pass too. Just keep taking care of you,
Beady Hugs

abeadlady said...

I'm so glad you have reached this place. You can really beat yourself up with the "if only's". Just ask me, I know. Of course, you will revisit those dark times, but as time goes by, it will be less and less. That's not to say you will forget, but your heart will ease as time goes by. You know we are here when you need us.

Katie B said...

Doris -- you make me smile so often.
and you don't even know it.
You bring warmth to my heart and I am glad.